Dis-ease

Mine?

Insecurity.


I swear it's like a madness sometimes.  Sometimes I swear I'm crazy.

Fear.  The frightening thoughts that you don't want to think...they creep in, they niggle, they bite.  Slow, thoughtful, vicious little bites.  The little hate-monsters of fear watch the blood trickle, then...and as it runs slow down your skin, they place another thoughtful bite again.

They just drop by when they feel like it, these little monsters.  Come unannounced.  You open the front door to go out for a walk...BOOM - an unwanted thought or three.  And then they nudge their way through the door and then there they are.  Houseguests for...  ...well, just for however long.

Sometimes I'll be doing fine, you know?  Doing fine for quite some time.

It's always about relationships.  These demons visit me around my loves.  My connections.  Relationships which matter most to me.

I try to be strong.  Sometimes I convince myself for a while that I am strong.  But then I know I am faking it.  Times like this come, and I feel a complete ass that I'd ever thought so.  I'm a fake.

Honey?

I'm a fake.

*hangs head*

I can't control these fears...


...I am crazy.


I thought this madness was gone.  Once upon a time.  A long time ago.


It's not.


Please go away....

I'm going to tell myself right now that if I just get some sleep, and don't dwell on it, that tomorrow will be a new day and these fears will be gone; they'll get quieter if I refuse to feed them for just a few days.

That I will do.

But I'll always be afraid of you....

More of the same...but different

Actually I don't know how it's very different.  Forgive me.

Except for little dribs, drabs...'dropped' emails from my girlfriend (like a driveby emailing - with no interaction or even a great deal of relevance to anything we've talked about, or I've asked, in recent weeks)...I haven't heard from or talked to my gf in almost a month now.

*hides face in hands*

I even sent an email (a rather emo, freaking-out one) to her mother.

I feel like I'm going insane, because part of me has read about and knows that this isn't terribly unusual for those on the autistic spectrum...a lot of it is largely par for the course, for those on the spectrum who experience it (shutdowns & assorted, related, social droppings-out)...but then another part of me can't equate it or relate it to my subjective experience.

It's like watching it happening in someone else's life - to another person.  Or maybe rather like, in that person's life, I'd be able to understand it - give that someone advice on how to handle things and proceed, even - but in mine?  No deal.  I'm just going insane.  I'm having doubts.  I feel like an NT (neurotypical) partner cliché:  Doing all the wrong things, freaking out, reacting just like 'they' do.  (Thinking 'it's over' - etc.)


And then there's my mother.

Without knowing it, I swear she's plotting to drive me insane.

Just when I'm having this freakout over my situation with my girlfriend (who she doesn't know about, because I'm not 'out' to my mother - she'd blow up), my mom, who I live with, tells me that we'll not be able to afford even basic dialup internet any more.  And for a few hours in the day, my head implodes.

And then she backtracks, and tells me that we'll try to budget for just a cheap (unlimited) dialup connection.  So at least I'll have something.

From everything taken away (my ability to blog, my ability to talk to my gf, my ability to be on online forums and talk to other friends online, which keeps my sanity) - to salvation again, all in the stroke of a couple of hours.  Fuck.  You hate me woman, don't you?  You're trying to kill me.

You just can't fuck like that with a modern young person's internet access.  Especially not an introverted one with only a few close friends who has some kind of weird social phobia (or whatever is my issue) and hates meeting people "live."  I'm already cooped up and boxed in here, no vehicle, no money, no friends in town.  Only my internet peeps & friends, and my girlfriend - who, in order to 'see,' I have to rely completely on internet access.

You may as well tell me that you've shot my fiancée or that she's been kidnapped, whereabouts unknown, and that I may as well either kiss her goodbye or just...whatever.  And that I'm barred from being able to cry to my friends or talk to them for support for many months.  You may as well cover my head with a black burlap bag and tie me up in a closet.  And hope I survive like that until you next feel like having some concern for my welfare again.

*dark feelings and thoughts*

Just...I just get so tired.  I hate having to try to fight for the things that keep me going.

I'm tired of missing my baby, too.  I just...I need to hear from her, something positive, something reassuring....
Get a hug, a cuddle, a hand-hold; be told that everything's going to be alright...that we're alright (like I want to believe)...that she's there with me, and for me...and that she loves me and isn't going away, no matter how long this crap trip of trying to get back to employment again takes.  That she's mine.


And...back on the subject of having emailed her mother (*rests head in hands again*) - I brought up the "taboo" subject of my gf's Asperger's/autistic spectrum (likely) status.  And...okay here's the bad thing:  My girlfriend doesn't want to acknowledge or think about her 'status.'  And now I don't remember if she said sometime that her mom doesn't like 'labels,' either.  So - basically, if she (her mom) will be offended or mad.

It was several days ago now that I emailed her mom.  Still nothing.  *worries*  [Now her mom does have to translate, in order to read & understand my writings in English, but...I know she's able.  At least, fairly alright at it.  Her ability to respond, however, might be more questionable.  She can somewhat, but I know it's hard and takes work.]

All I'm praying right now is that I didn't just really put my foot in it by having written her mother.  I was just at a loss; didn't know what to do; didn't know how to interpret things.  But if she tells my girlfriend........

*hangs head*  ...I might be screwed.  She might be really mad.  Especially since I used that word (the 'A' word) in relation to her and to what was going on.  Behind her back (though, not trying to be sneaky or hide anything, honestly...just...going to the source that might be able to talk to me, and offer some perspective right now...instead of the one that isn't).

I just...I just was seeking understanding of what might be going on.  And asking for maybe some personalized advice, since she knows her daughter - her needs and ways - better, more intimately, than I do.  Asking for Help.


Recently, just trying to get myself some support in this, I've hooked up with some online ASD (autistic spectrum disorder) (-though I hate the word 'disorder'-) sources where there are other people talking about themselves, and their loved ones, in relation to ASDs.  It's of ~some~ help.  Maybe when I'm approved in one that's coming up, I'll have more personal talk and interaction with some folks than I have now, and that might help a bit more.

Currently, I'm just mostly being able to read about other people's experiences and comments.  Not so much on the social interaction/support factor, yet.  But at least the 'information' part helps - a bit.  I'd be going fully crazy if I didn't have that.


Still, after today's 'news' - and then retraction - my head is tired and fuzzy, I just want to sleep...and it just feels like an "Another Blow for Mental Health" day.

Stop the onslaught!  x'{  *curls into a ball and sleeps*

My Heart is yours to break

Part of me wants to give you the link to this blog, and part of me says that that's something that I can never take back - and what if things go wrong, go badly - and I need it?  As my private respite place?  Where I can say anything?

Of course part of me also knows that there's a tiny, tiny chance that you found a breadcrumb pointing you to here.  The chance might be somewhat slim, but it exists.  *shrugs*  I'm aware of that.

If I could say anything to you right now, sweetie, it would be basically the title of this post.

I mean it.

I am so utterly at your mercy.  Because I love you.

Amidst the terrible and unwelcome, harrassing doubts that have plagued me at this time, my brain has tried to take emergency precautions against the possible (or just feared) prospect of the loss of you on behalf of my heart.  This always happens, whenever my heart is at risk; when I fear.  I hate it, many times.  It feels like the numbing-out, freezing off of emotions regarding someone I 'once' really cared about, and had become vulnerable to.  ...Needed.

And it feels like death.

At the same time, it's self-protective.  I recognize that.  And I'm not always 100% ungrateful for what the emergency management system in my brain's trying to do.  It's just that...it makes me so tired - fighting it.  I have to fight to keep my emotions alive, and tender, and breathing.  To (in effect) stay vulnerable; open.

To stay open to hurt...as well as love.

But you just...you are in the tenderest spots of my heart.  <3

You are delightful to my soul, in every way:  You make me feel soft, and calm, and tender; you make me feel placid and gentle, and relaxed - like slow breathing.  :')  It's such a cliché - but:  It feels so right, when I'm with you.  For you to be in my heart, and alongside it.  By me.

I love you, I want you...and you will sincerely have to fight me, to ever convince me to let go of you.  (*is aware that this sounds stalker-ish, but that's not really what I mean)

You're just...you're right there with me, in my soul.  I would be rended in half if ever parted from you again, now that we've found each other.

But...*glances again at title of post*...if you were ever to tell me that you wanted out, wanted free...

You just have to know ~

I'm helpless.

So I have to pray that all of your words have been the truth;

and that you've known what you've meant by them, known down to your bones; your soul...

And...I have to confess:  ...that you're not (simply) too young to know, deep down in your heart, in a real sense, what everlasting love is.

But then...who am I to say?  I may be older in earthly years...but how do I know what that truly is, either?

All I know is that what I've felt with you, since we've come together, is unique.  And I can't, and couldn't, imagine anything like it, in all of my imagination of what real, solid, lifelong-lasting love would be like.  That is to say - it's better, absolutely better, than all my fantasies.  Beyond what I thought 'was.'  But (yet) it's just like they describe, those old married couples, about what the ingredients to a lifelong friendship-romance-partnership are, and what it feels like...what it is.

I'm amazed to have found you, and that is what it feels like.

I love you.

Bad Day. Waiting For Worse. (A Whinge.)

I don't even know what a 'whinge' is, formally.  It's British, or something, and I think it means 'whining.'

*shrugs*

I hate depression and the crap thoughts it gives you.  I hate my headache.  My self-esteem.  My failure as a person in the way that this lost world thinks matters.

It's a day where I don't think I'd care if the world ended.

I'm so tired.

My eyes are tired and burning and wet.

My head is telling me my gf is just holding back on really telling me she's breaking up with me.  And I don't even know if it's true.  I fear it's true.  But then my "Depressed-mind" tells me a lot of very dire, very convincing things at times.  At other times, my horrible fear feelings in my intuition are true.  And I just pushed them away because I hoped beyond hope.

*hangs head*

We haven't spoken in so long.  I mean...we have...just...not in any significant manner.  And I want to believe still that it's just a shutdown (Aspie shutdown type thing) that really doesn't have too much to do with me...but, then there's the horrible, horrible feeling - the fear-voice, the "I know it's true" voice, in my head, again.

My depression fucks my head up.

And I can't control it.

In that way, I guess me & my bb are the same.  Or similar.  Her Asperger-ness mucks her head up (I think/gather) when she gets overwhelmed, too.

So I know what it's like to not be able to control one's thoughts.

I miss her so much.  And I'm terrified and don't know when even I'm going to hear from her again.  And I feel like a loser.  And I wish she would at least keep in contact with me, somehow, to let me know what's going on, lately...and help me understand where her head is, when she disappears like this, like she's done, lately.

...something like this...


*hangs head & cries*

Shutdown

So I'm learning about what a "shutdown" is in Asperger's/autism parlance.

I'm learning it via trial-by-fire.  My sweetheart is in the midst of one.  She expressed the classic symptoms to me, in an email, and then said she was sorry, but she just really needed alone time.  (Which also fits.  This is the sole remedy to a shutdown.)

It's been a week, today, since we've last spoken.

From what I'm reading about the phenomenon, it could go anywhere from a few days, to weeks, to...some folks have even said theirs have lasted a few months.  (*eek*)

Needless to say, this is a curveball to field, in a relationship.  But now that I've read about a lot of Aspies' experiences with them, I'm nothing but empathetic.  It's scary!

Still...I miss her, and this is hard.  Not too hard to handle, but...not easy, either.  Mainly I've just been kind of tired, and wanting to sleep a lot more, and headachey.  Increased depression symptoms, in other words, basically.  Which isn't a big surprise.  It means she means much to me and is important to me and that this is troubling and that I miss her.  *shrugs*  All that's natural.

Still...it's hard to get up the motivation to do the normal things I need to do.  *hangs head*  *wants to go back to sleep*

Meanwhile, I pray.

*sigh*

Okay.  So...


My girlfriend, after about a 24-hour period, expressed remorse and said that she didn't know why she got so upset...she said that sometimes, she just gets fired up about certain things at some times, and then later, doesn't know why she got so very upset about it.

In her words, "I feel like a crazy person sometimes."

*sigh*

Well, she's not a crazy person (whatever the definition of that is) - but I'll admit, she can be unpredictable at times (not utterly unpredictable - but, a bit).  It's mostly like this:  The things - like as in, "topics" - that she might react over are fairly predictable; it's whether or not she'll react strongly over them that isn't.

So there are...certain areas and topics that I have to pick (tread) lightly over...and definitely try to "choose my mood" (of hers) that I'm going to address it in.

Whether or not she's fatigued also has a great deal to do with it - which I'm learning.

It's hard, because my girlfriend definitely doesn't fit many characteristics of Aspergers; but in the ones where she does resemble them, she resembles them pretty definitively/strongly.  (Like the "fatigue linked with moods" area.)  And...well, I've definitely recognized in her the "shutdown" phenomenon.  It happens with overwhelm, in the areas of both emotions and just "busy-ness," for her.  But at least, so far as I've seen in our almost 6 months of being together, I've not noticed yet that she does the "meltdown."  -For which I'm grateful, as I think I'd have a pretty tough time with that particular Aspie quirk.  (I'm bad with anger displays and people who are out-of-control.  They really rattle me and I get pretty upset and distressed and feel like fleeing and hiding.  Er, have I mentioned that I score a 103 out of 200 possible in Aspie-traits as well? *chuckle*)

But my girlfriend doesn't match - almost at all - the "difficulty with the expression of empathy" trait, or inability to think in terms of what's happening inside of another's mind.  She's really quite gifted at this, at most times, anyway.  Maybe sometimes when she's stressed out or overwhelmed herself, she might falter some in this area...but which of us doesn't, under similar circumstances?

Anyway...what she said to me today was that, besides not knowing why she should have been so very upset, before - other than that, perhaps if I should have questions for her, just try to avoid including the "Aspie" label in the context of the conversation - she was fine with me asking any questions I needed to or wanted to.  And this is my "normal" girlfriend (that I'm 'used' to).

When she's calm, when she's her "normal" self (or what I refer to as), she's very balanced and measured and rational and loving and sweet.  A woman I love.

And when she's not...well, then it's more difficult.  And turbulent.  But I still always love her.  Her quirks could never make me not love her.  To be honest, when she's more reactive over things - when she's tired or a little stressed or just feeling not "up to" the world in general, for a time - I learn things about her.  I learn about the things that probably do bother her a little more, or get under her skin, at the best of times, even when she is feeling more calm and balanced.  Because sometimes she's reticent to really say how she feels, very strongly, over certain things.  But when she's a little stressed or tired and just not at her best, I at least get to hear a little more (and maybe...more truthfully? candidly?  *chuckle*) about them.  So.  *shrugs*  :)

Great.

Well - that - blew up in my face.

:(

I mentioned to my gf that I wondered if I could ask her about some things I'd discovered while reading about Aspergers - and, even though she herself was the one to tell me that since her brother is Autistic and her father likely is, as well (though never diagnosed), that she more than likely has some Autistic spectrum traits - she kinda freaked out about it.

:(

She hates "labels" - and wishes not to "identify."  While I respect this, I'm not asking her to accept a label - there's just something that reminded me of a thing in our relationship - that I happened to read in a discussion on an Aspergers blog.  And since the thing was kind of a big deal, within our relationship, when it happened--and since it's still kinda technically going on--I really wanna talk about it.  I want to understand each other better.  I want to have understanding (of maybe why it happened, and what we can do, or how we can improve things).

She...got angry.

:(

She really doesn't even wanna touch on her (potential) Asperger-like traits.  Doesn't want to think about it; can't discuss anything having to do with it--etc.  (It seems / is becoming clear.)


But...  *sighs*

She said if I ever needed to talk to anyone else about her & I - for support, to help me (work things through), etc. - that that was fine.  And she offered this.  I hadn't asked.  She just out-of-the-blue said that to me, one day.

So...I just don't see why this isn't similar.  I sought 'support' outside of our relationship (by reading some stuff) - and I want to talk about things (now) that are relevant to our relationship.  :(

Apparently that last part (the talking together about whatever kind of 'support' I sought/received) wasn't part of the deal????  *hangs head*

This is bad....

Further ruminations upon my relationship with a maybe-Aspie

So, as I said in the previous post, my girlfriend has Aspie (Aspergers)-like traits.  And though if she ever reads this I wouldn't want to offend her, to make things simple for the sake of writing, I'm just going to refer to her as either "half-Aspie" or "Aspie" or "AS," I think, a good deal of the time.


I'm slowly learning some things about navigating my relationship with my girlfriend.


For one, I've always considered myself pretty straightforward - not playing games, and saying more or less what I mean (though I attempt to be as gentle as I can manage, others have told me, regardless, that I can be "blunt" or "direct").

I never thought much about this (other than trying to improve my overall delivery) until recently, reading about Aspergers traits in order to possibly better understand my girlfriend.  I had a "huh" moment when reading about Aspies' "directness" and "bluntness."  So on a whim, I took the "Aspie Quiz" (this one came recommended by a male blogger with Aspergers who has taken a few of them), and came up with an Aspie score of 103 out of 200, and a "Neurotypical" score of 94 out of 200 - which, taken together, equates to: "part Aspie, part neurotypical" or some business like that.  Basically - if this quiz is somewhat accurate, I'm on the fence.

*shrugs*  But for the purposes of this discussion this is more or less neither here nor there.

The point is, as "direct" and "straightforward," and not mincing (too many) words as I am, when I choose to be direct - I have had to learn that my girlfriend means exactly what she says, more or less, when she says it.  She doesn't play those little "subtlety" games.  She doesn't "hint."  Not that I do...but:  I am much more subtle than she is.

And so it has been a lesson to learn, for me, to trust her.  To take it on her honor and on her word that her "yes" means yes and her "no" means no.  That has been difficult, as I am not an inherently trustful person (any more).  (Maybe I used to be, more - but it's hard to gauge, as I've kinda forgotten.  (*shrugs* A.D.D.))

I love my psychology, and I'm rather caught up by the urge to sniff out people's "hidden" motives and "true" feelings.  I rarely believe what people say just on the surface of things, any more.  (Some may attribute that to my Scorpio-ness - as, though I am not a Scorpio, I have lots of planetary influences from Pluto, Scorpio's ruler, and the 8th house, the house that Scorpio rules.  And Scorpios are known for probing into hidden things and digging below the surface and investigating.)

But I've swiftly learned that when my sweetheart tells me yes, this, or no, that - that I need to trust her.

For one, it seems to injure her trust in me, when I continue to question, or if I doubt.  It really shakes her up and worries her.  And, when I think about it, I don't blame her.  *sigh*

For two, I only come to find out later that she honestly, goodness-to-graciously meant what she said the first time.  It only creates more work and more frustration for her when she has to pummel it into my head.

Maybe it's because I've developed trust issues, over my life.  Maybe it's because I've always had them (and they've merely gotten worse).  :(

But it's more than that:  My gf sincerely is straightforward.  And though she may hang back from saying some things to me sometimes, when she does say something to me, she means what she says.

It's been quite an exercise for me to learn to start taking her statements at face value, and to stop reading things into them.  For instance, when she yawns, and says she is tired - she really means that she is tired and needs rest - not that she is avoiding a particular conversation or that she is bored.

These kinds of things.  These little social conventions that others - NTs (neuro-typicals) - employ as  euphemisms for more blunt things they could say, that they're "really" feeling:  "I'm SO bored" or "Ugh, this conversation is so uncomfortable...I'd rather just avoid it for now."

And I've been learning these things about my girlfriend through experience - not through assuming she's AS.  But now that I've been reading more about AS, it's made it a little easier to do, and to trust, for me.  It's helped to eliminate some of my personal, and "real-world," bias.

But I'll tell you:  It's been a lesson.

Oh golly so it's been quite a while again

...But things have convinced me that it would be good for me to blog again.

Namely:

1) That I find myself in a life situation where I live with my mother again, in my 30s.

and

2) I no longer quite feel secure keeping a pen & paper journal of my thoughts while living in such a situation, for concern that my mother might stumble upon some of my private writings, so...  *shrugs*  (It would be good to be able to do it somewhere private.)

and

3) My beloved is, it seems apparent, at least somewhat on the Autistic Spectrum (AS) - probably, Asperger's.  (She has said, told me, as much is likely, herself - but after reading here & there, I see more and more little things which make sense to me in the light of her being somewhat Aspie.)


So...I kinda need an outlet.  A place to talk; to blog.  A private space on the web.  (I know, kinda oxymoronic, isn't it?)  :P


So, blog:  Howdy.  *waves*

I kinda need to update about my life and experiences on here, anyway.  Besides, my girlfriend says that she thinks it might be good for me to have a personal outlet for some of the things happening in my life at this time of lots of changes and struggles for me, anyway - and you know, she's a wise one.  ;)  <3  :)))


Here's to happy posting.