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Wow.

It has been a terribly long time.

I've had stuff on my mind lately to write about more, so I decided it was time to resurrect my blog.


Oh - but because I don't like to leave anything hanging:  The girlfriend?  Broke up with me.

Saw that one coming, didn't everyone but me?  (Eh, maybe even me.  *hangs head*)


I loved her.

I still love her.

Don't know when that goes away.  Not when you truly, really were in love with someone, and believed in your heart they were the one.



AAAANNNNYWAY.


I think you'll find that I've grown and changed some(?) since the last time I wrote in here.  My heart's not whole yet - but I'm a grown person.

I'm looking forward to blogging once again. :)


See you again soon, I hope.

Dis-ease

Mine?

Insecurity.


I swear it's like a madness sometimes.  Sometimes I swear I'm crazy.

Fear.  The frightening thoughts that you don't want to think...they creep in, they niggle, they bite.  Slow, thoughtful, vicious little bites.  The little hate-monsters of fear watch the blood trickle, then...and as it runs slow down your skin, they place another thoughtful bite again.

They just drop by when they feel like it, these little monsters.  Come unannounced.  You open the front door to go out for a walk...BOOM - an unwanted thought or three.  And then they nudge their way through the door and then there they are.  Houseguests for...  ...well, just for however long.

Sometimes I'll be doing fine, you know?  Doing fine for quite some time.

It's always about relationships.  These demons visit me around my loves.  My connections.  Relationships which matter most to me.

I try to be strong.  Sometimes I convince myself for a while that I am strong.  But then I know I am faking it.  Times like this come, and I feel a complete ass that I'd ever thought so.  I'm a fake.

Honey?

I'm a fake.

*hangs head*

I can't control these fears...


...I am crazy.


I thought this madness was gone.  Once upon a time.  A long time ago.


It's not.


Please go away....

I'm going to tell myself right now that if I just get some sleep, and don't dwell on it, that tomorrow will be a new day and these fears will be gone; they'll get quieter if I refuse to feed them for just a few days.

That I will do.

But I'll always be afraid of you....

More of the same...but different

Actually I don't know how it's very different.  Forgive me.

Except for little dribs, drabs...'dropped' emails from my girlfriend (like a driveby emailing - with no interaction or even a great deal of relevance to anything we've talked about, or I've asked, in recent weeks)...I haven't heard from or talked to my gf in almost a month now.

*hides face in hands*

I even sent an email (a rather emo, freaking-out one) to her mother.

I feel like I'm going insane, because part of me has read about and knows that this isn't terribly unusual for those on the autistic spectrum...a lot of it is largely par for the course, for those on the spectrum who experience it (shutdowns & assorted, related, social droppings-out)...but then another part of me can't equate it or relate it to my subjective experience.

It's like watching it happening in someone else's life - to another person.  Or maybe rather like, in that person's life, I'd be able to understand it - give that someone advice on how to handle things and proceed, even - but in mine?  No deal.  I'm just going insane.  I'm having doubts.  I feel like an NT (neurotypical) partner cliché:  Doing all the wrong things, freaking out, reacting just like 'they' do.  (Thinking 'it's over' - etc.)


And then there's my mother.

Without knowing it, I swear she's plotting to drive me insane.

Just when I'm having this freakout over my situation with my girlfriend (who she doesn't know about, because I'm not 'out' to my mother - she'd blow up), my mom, who I live with, tells me that we'll not be able to afford even basic dialup internet any more.  And for a few hours in the day, my head implodes.

And then she backtracks, and tells me that we'll try to budget for just a cheap (unlimited) dialup connection.  So at least I'll have something.

From everything taken away (my ability to blog, my ability to talk to my gf, my ability to be on online forums and talk to other friends online, which keeps my sanity) - to salvation again, all in the stroke of a couple of hours.  Fuck.  You hate me woman, don't you?  You're trying to kill me.

You just can't fuck like that with a modern young person's internet access.  Especially not an introverted one with only a few close friends who has some kind of weird social phobia (or whatever is my issue) and hates meeting people "live."  I'm already cooped up and boxed in here, no vehicle, no money, no friends in town.  Only my internet peeps & friends, and my girlfriend - who, in order to 'see,' I have to rely completely on internet access.

You may as well tell me that you've shot my fiancée or that she's been kidnapped, whereabouts unknown, and that I may as well either kiss her goodbye or just...whatever.  And that I'm barred from being able to cry to my friends or talk to them for support for many months.  You may as well cover my head with a black burlap bag and tie me up in a closet.  And hope I survive like that until you next feel like having some concern for my welfare again.

*dark feelings and thoughts*

Just...I just get so tired.  I hate having to try to fight for the things that keep me going.

I'm tired of missing my baby, too.  I just...I need to hear from her, something positive, something reassuring....
Get a hug, a cuddle, a hand-hold; be told that everything's going to be alright...that we're alright (like I want to believe)...that she's there with me, and for me...and that she loves me and isn't going away, no matter how long this crap trip of trying to get back to employment again takes.  That she's mine.


And...back on the subject of having emailed her mother (*rests head in hands again*) - I brought up the "taboo" subject of my gf's Asperger's/autistic spectrum (likely) status.  And...okay here's the bad thing:  My girlfriend doesn't want to acknowledge or think about her 'status.'  And now I don't remember if she said sometime that her mom doesn't like 'labels,' either.  So - basically, if she (her mom) will be offended or mad.

It was several days ago now that I emailed her mom.  Still nothing.  *worries*  [Now her mom does have to translate, in order to read & understand my writings in English, but...I know she's able.  At least, fairly alright at it.  Her ability to respond, however, might be more questionable.  She can somewhat, but I know it's hard and takes work.]

All I'm praying right now is that I didn't just really put my foot in it by having written her mother.  I was just at a loss; didn't know what to do; didn't know how to interpret things.  But if she tells my girlfriend........

*hangs head*  ...I might be screwed.  She might be really mad.  Especially since I used that word (the 'A' word) in relation to her and to what was going on.  Behind her back (though, not trying to be sneaky or hide anything, honestly...just...going to the source that might be able to talk to me, and offer some perspective right now...instead of the one that isn't).

I just...I just was seeking understanding of what might be going on.  And asking for maybe some personalized advice, since she knows her daughter - her needs and ways - better, more intimately, than I do.  Asking for Help.


Recently, just trying to get myself some support in this, I've hooked up with some online ASD (autistic spectrum disorder) (-though I hate the word 'disorder'-) sources where there are other people talking about themselves, and their loved ones, in relation to ASDs.  It's of ~some~ help.  Maybe when I'm approved in one that's coming up, I'll have more personal talk and interaction with some folks than I have now, and that might help a bit more.

Currently, I'm just mostly being able to read about other people's experiences and comments.  Not so much on the social interaction/support factor, yet.  But at least the 'information' part helps - a bit.  I'd be going fully crazy if I didn't have that.


Still, after today's 'news' - and then retraction - my head is tired and fuzzy, I just want to sleep...and it just feels like an "Another Blow for Mental Health" day.

Stop the onslaught!  x'{  *curls into a ball and sleeps*