I don't even know what a 'whinge' is, formally. It's British, or something, and I think it means 'whining.'
*shrugs*
I hate depression and the crap thoughts it gives you. I hate my headache. My self-esteem. My failure as a person in the way that this lost world thinks matters.
It's a day where I don't think I'd care if the world ended.
I'm so tired.
My eyes are tired and burning and wet.
My head is telling me my gf is just holding back on really telling me she's breaking up with me. And I don't even know if it's true. I fear it's true. But then my "Depressed-mind" tells me a lot of very dire, very convincing things at times. At other times, my horrible fear feelings in my intuition are true. And I just pushed them away because I hoped beyond hope.
*hangs head*
We haven't spoken in so long. I mean...we have...just...not in any significant manner. And I want to believe still that it's just a shutdown (Aspie shutdown type thing) that really doesn't have too much to do with me...but, then there's the horrible, horrible feeling - the fear-voice, the "I know it's true" voice, in my head, again.
My depression fucks my head up.
And I can't control it.
In that way, I guess me & my bb are the same. Or similar. Her Asperger-ness mucks her head up (I think/gather) when she gets overwhelmed, too.
So I know what it's like to not be able to control one's thoughts.
I miss her so much. And I'm terrified and don't know when even I'm going to hear from her again. And I feel like a loser. And I wish she would at least keep in contact with me, somehow, to let me know what's going on, lately...and help me understand where her head is, when she disappears like this, like she's done, lately.
*hangs head & cries*
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