Realizations, New Adventures, & Possibly New Ditchings

Hellow, Blog. [ala Seinfeld's: "Hello, Newman."]


It's been some time.

I had a crappy year. And I've let you lie fallow, because Blogger just doesn't offer quite the necessary security features that I'd like to have the reassurance of, in light of said crappy year.

So here you sit: Beautiful; neglected. Poor you :( (Seriously, though, I'm a little sad. Okay, more than a little.)

But it's not like you had any readers anyway. ;) lol

However, I've changed a couple of things, and I desire once again for a personal outlet to vent my soul, so....

Not to scare you Blog, but the "Possibly New Ditchings" in the subject line still does refer to you, regardless of this post today. This will be under debate for a while. We'll see. I can be an awfully fickle creature sometimes, over things that are merely my personal pets and affect only me.



Realizations

One pretty big thing that happened during 2010 was that I somehow came to the realization that I am bisexual. I know! Big surprise, huh? [Not said sarcastically.]

Yeah. I like girls (too). (More so, really. But more on exactly how halvesies or not, later.)

Sad: That I've known this, really; I was just...confused, and fighting it hard in denial. Sort of. Confused over exactly what makes one "bisexual." But it was finally bothering me enough - certain things getting under my skin - that I had to find out.

Once I finally got it all put together, it made me almost cry, to wonder how and why I'd waited so long. That's how good it's felt. I feel like a huge portion of myself, of my whole personality, that I've had walled off, is breathing freely now. And I feel pretty great. It really is almost a euphoric feeling.

That's why I'm really not at all having a hard time with it - my somewhat abrupt 'view-of-self' shift. I think it's probably also because I've been quietly, to myself, acknowledging these wonderings about my attractions for years. ...Since childhood. They just didn't make sense to me, according to all of the traditional lines of homosexuality. According to all definitions that I knew, I didn't fit the bill.

I'm glad that certain feelings called and pulled and bothered me enough to make me research a little deeper. What did it was finding this definition: Affectional orientation.

Please do go look it up.



New Adventures

So, I, you know, being a newly out to self bi girl, had to find other birds of a feather to flock with. I honestly don't have any non-straight friends (that I'm aware of) in my current circle. I wish that I did. I just don't.

For one: It's hard to, being a Christian: Queer folk just kind of naturally avoid you. Or, at least, those two groups, historically so far, don't exactly naturally coincide. I hope to be one who plays a part in making that change.

But anyway, I have met some people so far, who are really cool, and loads of fun. And so, so very kind. I've met the nicest people. And it's easy to feel natural around them.

I also...*ack* have found myself the unwitting victim of a crush (on one of them) already. This wasn't supposed to happen! <:o I had absolutely no intention, thought, or anything about the matter (of any kind) in mind! It just...snuck up on me and arrested me!

Yeah, I know. Color me shocked!

So, picture, like, this disturbed puppy-dog look on my face [I'll find an image and put it here, really I will]~ me, helpless. Shocked. Feeling embarrassed to be, and yet deeply smitten.... Well, sort of smitten. I (deep sigh) really don't know the 2nd thing about this girl, other than the fact that the things she writes put a resounding ache in my chest. And it's that unique quality, something that the stuff that's in her head, & in her heart, draws out of me ~ that is un-ignorable. That causes the deep state of smit. (lol) No, seriously. It just...kills me.

And, without embarrassing myself completely to hell and back, and never recovering my dignity...I am at a loss for ways to tell her. Although I *kind of* did. I kind of tried. It just wasn't as much the...confessional...that it could be. I was cautious.

And...her reply was, too.

It wasn't...negative. It just wasn't encouraging. In my opinion.

And, later, randomly, in an unrelated exchange, she wished the best for me in finding someone, out there ~ which, you know, is pretty much the polite kiss-off.

*wibble*

But I'm still confused (by her). Not all the signals seem to be, or feel to me, so clear. She dances around me.... When I haven't even been flirting. You know? Like, I'm just being Plain-Jane-on-the-street, having a polite human being interaction, and it...almost feels...no, does feel, especially recently...like she'll drop a breadcrumb? or something...like, she wishes it to be pursued. But when I tried to engage her on a deeper level in the past, she bowed out. And she plays coy. [Which, I've seen her do with others, with little to no known reasoning that I can decipher, anyway ~ so, it's not me, it's her. Or largely her, I think, anyway.]

I don't know. I hate it. But at least it's the one thing that could help me kill this...thing...of thinking about what she's like, and being curious about her, all the time. And feeling painful longings which aren't fun for me to have, bearing echoes of my heart dying in the past, over a girl, once. At least if Enigmatic Girl keeps this up, I'll be irritated and soured enough to be un-attracted to her and it'll be easy to let it go & die.

Like I said, I know nothing about her but what she writes: But she knows quite a bit, about me, because I've allowed it. I know she knows (or could know, if she checked) what I look like, & other sorts of personal details. And one of my first (low-self-esteem-like) worries was that thing we all have: "I'm unattractive, to her."

Which, you know - happens. No less so to me, either. Fax iz fax, in life. I'd just have to be a big girl and suck it up.

But in that case, I dearly pray to God that if I must feel such feelings over a girl, that the one that is meant for me will come quickly; will come soon - because it's hard to see the soul of someone who mirrors all that you could so, so deeply fall for ~ embodied in someone who's not your "one."  It makes it painful to be around them, even.

Which it is.

Sometimes to the point where I think I cannot read her stuff, any more. Which would be a huge, crying shame. But I'm serious. Sometimes, you know, it's just that bad. It bears another difficulty, however: Do you need to worry, or feel bad or awkward, or like you need to offer some kind of explanation if you are a regular follower of someone's writing, and you've professed to them that they are one of your absolute favorites - and you need to just up & stop? Disappear? And yet they will be able to see that you're following other people's writing?

If it were me...I mean, if I were that writer, and a certain follower who said I was one of their very faves just mysteriously abandoned my stuff ~ yeah, I'd wonder what I did. Or if I just didn't have the mojo (for them) any more. Or if they had a personal grudge that I didn't know about, against me. I mean, sure, we're all taught not to think such things and take such things personally, but I think virtually everyone does. A little. It's just human nature. Insecurities about our status with others.

*sigh*

Well, okay. Enough about the thing with Enigmatic Girl.

Okay, except for this:

Enigmatic Girl, stop playing coy. It's unattractive and uncool. Not to mention mean. -To very nice people.

There. I was direct and harsh. lol On a blog she doesn't visit & likely doesn't know about. (And if she does: Well, thanks Lord. Only because: Some things would never get said by me unless I hid them somewhere, now, would they?)

Damn my cowardice. :(

But then again maybe it saves me socially more than I know. ::thanks cowardice begrudgingly::

Meh. But maybe I don't want to be saved, any more. Maybe I want to STEP IN IT, fully! If only because it's hard for me to live life that way, and I'd like to taste the foolish freedom of it, once. And smell the poop on my shoe & experience the FULL repurcussions of it, for once. --If nothing else, just to realize after all that they're not (the dreaded consequences) *THAT* damn scary.

Shit.

I am just going to rename my blog "Diary of a Recalcitrant Chicken."


...If I don't delete it tomorrow, that is.