Dis-ease

Mine?

Insecurity.


I swear it's like a madness sometimes.  Sometimes I swear I'm crazy.

Fear.  The frightening thoughts that you don't want to think...they creep in, they niggle, they bite.  Slow, thoughtful, vicious little bites.  The little hate-monsters of fear watch the blood trickle, then...and as it runs slow down your skin, they place another thoughtful bite again.

They just drop by when they feel like it, these little monsters.  Come unannounced.  You open the front door to go out for a walk...BOOM - an unwanted thought or three.  And then they nudge their way through the door and then there they are.  Houseguests for...  ...well, just for however long.

Sometimes I'll be doing fine, you know?  Doing fine for quite some time.

It's always about relationships.  These demons visit me around my loves.  My connections.  Relationships which matter most to me.

I try to be strong.  Sometimes I convince myself for a while that I am strong.  But then I know I am faking it.  Times like this come, and I feel a complete ass that I'd ever thought so.  I'm a fake.

Honey?

I'm a fake.

*hangs head*

I can't control these fears...


...I am crazy.


I thought this madness was gone.  Once upon a time.  A long time ago.


It's not.


Please go away....

I'm going to tell myself right now that if I just get some sleep, and don't dwell on it, that tomorrow will be a new day and these fears will be gone; they'll get quieter if I refuse to feed them for just a few days.

That I will do.

But I'll always be afraid of you....