*sigh*

Okay.  So...


My girlfriend, after about a 24-hour period, expressed remorse and said that she didn't know why she got so upset...she said that sometimes, she just gets fired up about certain things at some times, and then later, doesn't know why she got so very upset about it.

In her words, "I feel like a crazy person sometimes."

*sigh*

Well, she's not a crazy person (whatever the definition of that is) - but I'll admit, she can be unpredictable at times (not utterly unpredictable - but, a bit).  It's mostly like this:  The things - like as in, "topics" - that she might react over are fairly predictable; it's whether or not she'll react strongly over them that isn't.

So there are...certain areas and topics that I have to pick (tread) lightly over...and definitely try to "choose my mood" (of hers) that I'm going to address it in.

Whether or not she's fatigued also has a great deal to do with it - which I'm learning.

It's hard, because my girlfriend definitely doesn't fit many characteristics of Aspergers; but in the ones where she does resemble them, she resembles them pretty definitively/strongly.  (Like the "fatigue linked with moods" area.)  And...well, I've definitely recognized in her the "shutdown" phenomenon.  It happens with overwhelm, in the areas of both emotions and just "busy-ness," for her.  But at least, so far as I've seen in our almost 6 months of being together, I've not noticed yet that she does the "meltdown."  -For which I'm grateful, as I think I'd have a pretty tough time with that particular Aspie quirk.  (I'm bad with anger displays and people who are out-of-control.  They really rattle me and I get pretty upset and distressed and feel like fleeing and hiding.  Er, have I mentioned that I score a 103 out of 200 possible in Aspie-traits as well? *chuckle*)

But my girlfriend doesn't match - almost at all - the "difficulty with the expression of empathy" trait, or inability to think in terms of what's happening inside of another's mind.  She's really quite gifted at this, at most times, anyway.  Maybe sometimes when she's stressed out or overwhelmed herself, she might falter some in this area...but which of us doesn't, under similar circumstances?

Anyway...what she said to me today was that, besides not knowing why she should have been so very upset, before - other than that, perhaps if I should have questions for her, just try to avoid including the "Aspie" label in the context of the conversation - she was fine with me asking any questions I needed to or wanted to.  And this is my "normal" girlfriend (that I'm 'used' to).

When she's calm, when she's her "normal" self (or what I refer to as), she's very balanced and measured and rational and loving and sweet.  A woman I love.

And when she's not...well, then it's more difficult.  And turbulent.  But I still always love her.  Her quirks could never make me not love her.  To be honest, when she's more reactive over things - when she's tired or a little stressed or just feeling not "up to" the world in general, for a time - I learn things about her.  I learn about the things that probably do bother her a little more, or get under her skin, at the best of times, even when she is feeling more calm and balanced.  Because sometimes she's reticent to really say how she feels, very strongly, over certain things.  But when she's a little stressed or tired and just not at her best, I at least get to hear a little more (and maybe...more truthfully? candidly?  *chuckle*) about them.  So.  *shrugs*  :)

Great.

Well - that - blew up in my face.

:(

I mentioned to my gf that I wondered if I could ask her about some things I'd discovered while reading about Aspergers - and, even though she herself was the one to tell me that since her brother is Autistic and her father likely is, as well (though never diagnosed), that she more than likely has some Autistic spectrum traits - she kinda freaked out about it.

:(

She hates "labels" - and wishes not to "identify."  While I respect this, I'm not asking her to accept a label - there's just something that reminded me of a thing in our relationship - that I happened to read in a discussion on an Aspergers blog.  And since the thing was kind of a big deal, within our relationship, when it happened--and since it's still kinda technically going on--I really wanna talk about it.  I want to understand each other better.  I want to have understanding (of maybe why it happened, and what we can do, or how we can improve things).

She...got angry.

:(

She really doesn't even wanna touch on her (potential) Asperger-like traits.  Doesn't want to think about it; can't discuss anything having to do with it--etc.  (It seems / is becoming clear.)


But...  *sighs*

She said if I ever needed to talk to anyone else about her & I - for support, to help me (work things through), etc. - that that was fine.  And she offered this.  I hadn't asked.  She just out-of-the-blue said that to me, one day.

So...I just don't see why this isn't similar.  I sought 'support' outside of our relationship (by reading some stuff) - and I want to talk about things (now) that are relevant to our relationship.  :(

Apparently that last part (the talking together about whatever kind of 'support' I sought/received) wasn't part of the deal????  *hangs head*

This is bad....

Further ruminations upon my relationship with a maybe-Aspie

So, as I said in the previous post, my girlfriend has Aspie (Aspergers)-like traits.  And though if she ever reads this I wouldn't want to offend her, to make things simple for the sake of writing, I'm just going to refer to her as either "half-Aspie" or "Aspie" or "AS," I think, a good deal of the time.


I'm slowly learning some things about navigating my relationship with my girlfriend.


For one, I've always considered myself pretty straightforward - not playing games, and saying more or less what I mean (though I attempt to be as gentle as I can manage, others have told me, regardless, that I can be "blunt" or "direct").

I never thought much about this (other than trying to improve my overall delivery) until recently, reading about Aspergers traits in order to possibly better understand my girlfriend.  I had a "huh" moment when reading about Aspies' "directness" and "bluntness."  So on a whim, I took the "Aspie Quiz" (this one came recommended by a male blogger with Aspergers who has taken a few of them), and came up with an Aspie score of 103 out of 200, and a "Neurotypical" score of 94 out of 200 - which, taken together, equates to: "part Aspie, part neurotypical" or some business like that.  Basically - if this quiz is somewhat accurate, I'm on the fence.

*shrugs*  But for the purposes of this discussion this is more or less neither here nor there.

The point is, as "direct" and "straightforward," and not mincing (too many) words as I am, when I choose to be direct - I have had to learn that my girlfriend means exactly what she says, more or less, when she says it.  She doesn't play those little "subtlety" games.  She doesn't "hint."  Not that I do...but:  I am much more subtle than she is.

And so it has been a lesson to learn, for me, to trust her.  To take it on her honor and on her word that her "yes" means yes and her "no" means no.  That has been difficult, as I am not an inherently trustful person (any more).  (Maybe I used to be, more - but it's hard to gauge, as I've kinda forgotten.  (*shrugs* A.D.D.))

I love my psychology, and I'm rather caught up by the urge to sniff out people's "hidden" motives and "true" feelings.  I rarely believe what people say just on the surface of things, any more.  (Some may attribute that to my Scorpio-ness - as, though I am not a Scorpio, I have lots of planetary influences from Pluto, Scorpio's ruler, and the 8th house, the house that Scorpio rules.  And Scorpios are known for probing into hidden things and digging below the surface and investigating.)

But I've swiftly learned that when my sweetheart tells me yes, this, or no, that - that I need to trust her.

For one, it seems to injure her trust in me, when I continue to question, or if I doubt.  It really shakes her up and worries her.  And, when I think about it, I don't blame her.  *sigh*

For two, I only come to find out later that she honestly, goodness-to-graciously meant what she said the first time.  It only creates more work and more frustration for her when she has to pummel it into my head.

Maybe it's because I've developed trust issues, over my life.  Maybe it's because I've always had them (and they've merely gotten worse).  :(

But it's more than that:  My gf sincerely is straightforward.  And though she may hang back from saying some things to me sometimes, when she does say something to me, she means what she says.

It's been quite an exercise for me to learn to start taking her statements at face value, and to stop reading things into them.  For instance, when she yawns, and says she is tired - she really means that she is tired and needs rest - not that she is avoiding a particular conversation or that she is bored.

These kinds of things.  These little social conventions that others - NTs (neuro-typicals) - employ as  euphemisms for more blunt things they could say, that they're "really" feeling:  "I'm SO bored" or "Ugh, this conversation is so uncomfortable...I'd rather just avoid it for now."

And I've been learning these things about my girlfriend through experience - not through assuming she's AS.  But now that I've been reading more about AS, it's made it a little easier to do, and to trust, for me.  It's helped to eliminate some of my personal, and "real-world," bias.

But I'll tell you:  It's been a lesson.

Oh golly so it's been quite a while again

...But things have convinced me that it would be good for me to blog again.

Namely:

1) That I find myself in a life situation where I live with my mother again, in my 30s.

and

2) I no longer quite feel secure keeping a pen & paper journal of my thoughts while living in such a situation, for concern that my mother might stumble upon some of my private writings, so...  *shrugs*  (It would be good to be able to do it somewhere private.)

and

3) My beloved is, it seems apparent, at least somewhat on the Autistic Spectrum (AS) - probably, Asperger's.  (She has said, told me, as much is likely, herself - but after reading here & there, I see more and more little things which make sense to me in the light of her being somewhat Aspie.)


So...I kinda need an outlet.  A place to talk; to blog.  A private space on the web.  (I know, kinda oxymoronic, isn't it?)  :P


So, blog:  Howdy.  *waves*

I kinda need to update about my life and experiences on here, anyway.  Besides, my girlfriend says that she thinks it might be good for me to have a personal outlet for some of the things happening in my life at this time of lots of changes and struggles for me, anyway - and you know, she's a wise one.  ;)  <3  :)))


Here's to happy posting.