*suddenly, a wild [x] appears*

Where x = girlfriend/soulmate???

Yeah.  I know!  O_o  Wild!  Uncanny!  Unlikely as all hell!

*ponders whether truly believes 'hell' is unlikely*

*handwavium*


So...like...HUH.  Just...color me stupefied.  *blinks*

She walked up to me one day (figuratively, of course), said 'Howdy'--said 'Think yer pretty neat; let's be friends?'--I said, 'Shure'--we talk for a while; she...has le crushium (on me); I sez 'too young, meh, meh' but iz curiouser and curiouser about this person, despite meself...we talks for couple o'months...but I am suckium about de email...but then...and I-don't-know-what...but:  She joins another social media thing I'm on, and, dunno, communication got easier? or something?...I don't know what first did it; pushed me over the threshold, with her...but:

Suddenly, I guess I started seeing her for more as just the person she is.  And I stopped seeing someone of x age.  I finally went 'age blind'--and then, at that point, seeing the person of her, I rapidly started falling.  I just...fell.

I've fallen deeply in love.

I'VE FALLEN DEEPLY IN LOVE.
(And she has, back.)



Blog?  I...just may have found my soulmate.

-Srsly.



*blinks*

Hmmm.

Surprised to have gotten a response.

But the response was unsurprising.


End Story

It hurts.

[sent]

The day you added me it was my birthday.

I felt absolved, or whatever.  So much relief.  In my head, I said "That was one of the nicest birthday presents I could have had; thank You, God" -with a genuine smile on my face.

I logged into my [Site], and it was weird, because I didn't see you on there; I didn't have any more followers than I'd had the day before.  But I thought [Site] maybe was having a glitch, because it was being generally a bitch that day.

Anyway, I went out, had a Birthday (pretty happy), and came home in a light, happy mood.


-Logged onto [Site] again.  This time, no problems.  Looked at my followers.


...Finally got it.  :{



I have a lot of feelings, but there's only one or two (and they're more like *thoughts*)- that I wanna share.  I am sorry for having been the precipitant of making you feel so uncomfortable & weird.  I think it's a shame, and for that reason I am sad.  I don't think you should have to feel that way...and I know I'm not (all, or really) the cause.  I'm just sorry you have to feel that way.

My birthday went from a lighthearted joy, to an occasion for feeling really...damn...sad.  It's pointless to tell you that I'm a nice (& decent) person and not creepy- I would snort at anyone who said it to *me* -but, I don't know...I just hope somehow you'll know that, and in the rear view mirror, it'll help/ease you somewhat.

Take care, [x].
[Me]
('userIDsite1'/'userIDsite2')

Love/Hate

Wow.  I can get really eloquent when my heart aches, can't I?  (Something to be said here like, "Maybe I should be heartbroken more often."  >:p )  *scowls*  Hmph.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Love/Hate (as regards another person).  I wonder if it is natural to everyone, sometimes.  That is, can we all relate, or is it particularly known to some people?

I don't know; but if it is, I am one of those people.  It is so frequent to me that I am ashamed to say it, and it is disgusting.  I mean, I really hate it.  Do not want.

Here's a thing that happened on my birthday.

Someone I've been wishing the good thoughts of, that I might have been interested in but apparently (and probably) failed very badly at representing myself with...and who possibly decided I might be a creepy weirdo...and whom I backed WAAAY the heck off from, to give her space - because of that 'weirdo-ness' accident/misstep of mine, and because of her scary reaction (um...'major avoidance' & 'running away,' it seemed)...after several months of (my) polite, distanced, 'trying to absolutely soothe you and calm whatever weirdness down by making things absolutely normal' behavior, added me - on my birthday - on one of our in-common social network type blogs.

Now....This is me, okay:  Even when someone has rejected me or might have 'due' reason to avoid me or dislike me (for a while), I still ultimately want them to know and see that I'm an okay and good and nice and decent person.  To 'accept' me.  It's...kind of awful.  :(  I hate and am ashamed to be that needy (in others' opinions/perceptions of me), but, to date, I can't get over it.  So we're just going to go with that and realize it's probably just a permanent fatal flaw, alright?

So I wake up ON MY BIRTHDAY, check my email, and frookin' lo and behold, this person (whom I've been so worried about 'accepting' me, regardless of whether or not she's interested) has added me!  (Now, I had added her, on this network, some weeks(?) before that.  But she hadn't done the same in kind.  Which, you know...was a knowing choice I'd made.  It didn't bother me.  It was a normal, friendly (as well as the fact that we have common interests) gesture that I made...and it didn't 'mean' anything.  People 'lightly' add or don't add others, on here, all the time.)  I figured she likely wouldn't add me (ever), in fact - due to her general, awkward, avoidance of me after I expressed myself (my interest) to her that one time (on another social network we share) - because it would be par for her general course.  But, you see, adding her was part of that 'normal' thing.  If things are NORMAL, we don't unnaturally avoid others who would otherwise be a natural part of our usual network of friends with common interests, now, do we?

Exactly.  So that's why I added her.

So, when I woke up on my birthday and I have an email that says "So-and-so has added you," my little heart was like: *yay!* *relieved* :D  (You know, 'cause part of that 'normal' thing.  I thought:  "I did it!  I achieved 'normal' (with her)!  Thank goodness.  I am so relieved I don't weird her out, any more!")

I mean, I really just felt So.Much.Better.  I said to myself that this was one of the nicest birthday presents I could have gotten (sad and pathetic as that is)...to not have her avoid me uncomfortably, any more.  Even if she'll never like me, that's all I wanted (now), you know?

Besides the fact that I squeal, still, whenever I get added by somebody, just 1 somebody more, each day, you know?  It's still that little thrill.  haha   So I watch that little number count with excited, twinkly eyes.  Because I am just 5 years old like that.  ;)  lol

So, I log on, and go to my little people count section...and...the # hasn't changed.  "Wut?" I say.  *scratches head*  *confused*  "Well, [site]'s been acting up all day...hummm.  Maybe it [Add count]'s not registering, yet?"  I click it.  I look for her name.  "Yeah...not there.  Hmm.  Oh well.  Maybe it'll show up later."

I log out.  I go do other things.  I go out, I treat myself...have a pretty swell day; a pretty nice birthday.  All is well with my world, and I just generally have a pleasant, gentle, mildly happy glow.

Get home.

I log back on to my (various) networks.  I check *that* one.  Still x # of people.  I look at names.  Really...she's not there.  This time X site's been working.  There doesn't seem to be anything wrong....

Heart:  *CRASH*
Face:  *sink*

I'm not sure how to explain or justify or express how deflated and just...sunken...that feeling in my heart was.  I had no illusions of her 'liking' me, at some point (or any point) again; honest.  I just wanted to be...accepted.

The only thing I could conclude was that she added me--unthinking--then, realized who I was* (my name's a little different, from the site where she first knew me, to there - but most people can figure it out; it's highly similar to my main one)...and so turned right back around and un-added me as soon as she realized it was ~me~.



This. Feels. Like. Shit.


And what I hate more?  That it even mattered to me.  That I let it (in part, in its own way) make my day, at first.  That I felt so relieved, and so happy.


I'm sorry, you know?-But I so want to be seen (known) as a nice person, and have people know me (the real me, who's genuinely awesome...okay, sorry for the blunt self-regard, but, honest...I do hear that I *am*) for me, and not for some mistaken, freakish impression they got because written awkward introductions & gestures of a romantic-interest inclination are weird (especially if you're child-like-ly romantic and put the guts of your heart out there on your sleeve when you really mean it, & when this is rare and you're impressed by how rare and amazing it seems - like I do).

And:  Oh, My God.am I trying to see this as *her* issue - her problem - you know?  But it is SO hard.

I'm sure she had no clue that it was my birthday or anything...I'm sure.  But, could you be more (silently) cruel, if you did?  It was crushing.  It was RightOn.Fucking.Crushing.  And cruel.


So, I am taking my cue from her wordless Heavy Door Fucking Slammed In My Face No Bones About It.

(Oh.  Let me explain why I'm especially irked:  She didn't have the balls to just 'de-friend'/'un-add' me on the other site.  -At least this would have been not-disingenuous.  But my hunch is that she didn't want to lose face by 'un-friend'ing/-following me, there.  I guess what she doesn't know about me is that I respect the honesty of genuineness (even if it doesn't always look smooth or if it isn't always/can't always be 'pretty') far more than a publicly 'pleasant' false front merely for the sake of saving some face.)


Let's be honest, You-Know-Who-You-Are (but doubtful you read, here).  >:{   Now.
And, please:  You can Get. Off. My. Blog.  (just...all/any of them)


Anyway...since I'd had it, I took the opportunity - same day (BIRTHDAY) - to do something that would make me feel better; set the situation aright:  I eschewed being 'the bigger person' finally, for once; took my cue from her (in what are her obvious desires), and, No-Bones-About-It - un-'followed' her back on the new site, then went to the first site and removed her there.  I mean, Why Pretend?-Shall we?  >:\


I try really, really, really hard to not make assumptions about why people do certain things...or don't do them.  I am Benefit Of The Doubt fucking Queen.  But I'm not an ass.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Final Note.

How I Felt, Then :  You know, I felt really...relieved.  No, not in that pleasant, all-is-well kind of *happy* way, unfortunately - like things could have been (if somebody didn't blow chunks) - but, in that 'put it to bed' / 'put it to rest' / 'this feels good' / feeling-'justified' / 'I did something for myself' and 'I don't have to work so hard in a state of heartache to be a really big person to someone who hasn't shown they really deserve it' sort of way.

Ultimately, there's just the tinge of concern of the "Did I do something petty? Emotionally reactive?  Immature?  (At all?  Maybe?)" sort of feeling...but, not really too bad.  I feel that if it were at all inappropriate (for the reality/situation), I would have felt it quite poignantly.  But I didn't.  So.

I feel I more or less really just gave somebody what they want, really.  And I gave myself something in turn:  I gave myself the honesty that I want.  I forced it (the truth) on the situation.  xD  lol

Now, that 'lol' is a little snarky, yes.. ;)  -Because, I felt myself in a situation of forced dishonesty (that, in order 'to be nice'/'save face,' between us, I didn't change anything outwardly observable to the general populace in our interaction with each other or status toward one another, even though, privately, she completely did) - and I hate that.

Situation:  Rectified.

I feel better.




AlsoIknowthiswholerantstinksoftwelveyearoldgirl, thank you.



ETA:  Oh...one final note:  I wanted to say:  What's been irking me, all these months (on the first site) of just leaving a person on as a 'friend/follower' who really dealt with me rather lousily, is that it is really pretty 'against' my values and reasons for listing/having someone associated with me (or my ID/name) as an association or so-called 'friend' if I *really* don't like them or can't respect them any more...if I know they'll treat people like that.  Even as just "someone whose blog I read" -definition of "friend" or whatever.  I just plainly refuse to have someone I don't like and don't care for listed as an association, 'friend,' or what-have-you, alongside my name.  It makes me feel gross.

And it is personal (who you add/follow)...whatever anybody may say.  Like it or not, as the old adage goes, who you associate with and who is associated with you is going to reflect on you and wordlessly represent you before other people.

I was having a singularly difficult time, these few months, liking the fact at all that this person was there on my list.  Just...squirmy inside.  It's not me; and it bugs me (to have someone treat me in a way that really bothers me, and allow/leave such a person on).  And I was doing it primarily as a gesture of goodwill & good faith, and Benefit-Of-The-Doubt-tress-ness, for her - for her feelings (and/or 'face').

But YAY! -Now I don't have to, any more!


_______________________________________
*it's not like my identity's hidden; I state my other-site identity on this site on my 'info/bio/about' page for my friends to see & find me, so they'll know who I am from the other site, & not think I'm a stranger

F* Me

Dammit.  Fuck.

I still like you.  I can't stop thinking about you.  And I hate everything.

Especially this.

I don't get you, and you make me hurt, and make me long...and make me angry.  Because you hide in the most hurtful of ways, saying nothing.

And yet, tease.

Are you just...that...mean?

I hate the fact that like any stupid girl, the fact that it's Valentine's Day makes it worse.  This never happened to me before.  When other (single) girls pined, I was fine.  Thought they were silly.

Not today.

Not this time.

I have not felt this...since her.

It hurts like cruelty.  Choking, mad, laughing cruelty, sitting within and squeezing my heart.


Fuck.

Burn me.



*more in comments

Sew: a Needle Pulling Thread...Through the Sutures of My Soul

It seemed like a good post title at the time.


So. Weird things happen. Enigmatic Girl managed to write something that turned me off (lol); not to mention that I was having a self-conscious-flailing, angsty, desperate, romantic heart-pining anyway--which almost always leads, for me, into a hurdling, burning-from-the-heavens plummet of a self-destruct.  haha  (Um, which I kinda did.  Internally, you know.)

And there was one evening when I actually hurt so bad that I cried.  Isn't that stupid?  Sad?  (I mean in an "Aw, gosh--poor thing!?  Isn't she pathetic?" sort of way.)

See?  This is why I hate it, hate it, when someone touches that...that certain place in my heart this bad.  I hate it.  It's like opening up my chest cavity and putting the rusty teeth of a sawblade to the most vulnerable, and already chafed, part of my heart.

Something touched it again, after so many years (I haven't felt that much...longing, of that dire, exquisite, particular kind, emotionally); after all this time.  Something...encased (or whatever) in somebody.

And then that...that particular kind of pain, you know?  When they pass on you.  Just pass.

Oh.  My God.

ow


And then, as odd as these things come--I turn around and some girl (a different person) is totally having a crush on me!  Outta the blue.

And though I...am not sure yet, where that interaction is going...(taking my time, getting to know, but...unsure if it'll lead ultimately to anywhere other than liking & friendship)...it is kinda wild.  You know?  To just turn around, metaphorically smack into a wall, and have someone else there, liking you.  haha

Altogether?  Hah...I'm catching my breath--and there's this voice inside of my chest where my heart is, almost laughing a little hysterically, going "I'm not cut out for this!"

I'M NOT!  I swear.

Fug, navigating people-relationships takes so much energy!  *grits teeth*


You know what I would like?  Just...her.  That one I have in my head, who is...that perfect match for me, in all of these important ways.

The ways that I need her love to be piercing, yet soft with tenderness.  Understanding, giving (in the heart give-and-receive sense)- charity of heart.  Not making it a dynamic, a tension inside thing, where conflicts within the ego, for its unspoken needs, are warring.  But where things are at ease.  Absolutely no power-plays, the need for one to control something, to hold something in their hand, in the relationship, that they greedily mete out or take away.

Can I explain?  That is one thing, a timbre of a quality, within Enigmatic Girl's stuff, that I finally got to the heart of, that...hurt.  To encounter it, in reading.  That kind of slowly was turning me away, off, all this time.  It's...sometimes subtle, in her writing; and sometimes less so.

But not everyone has a taste for it.

I'm just one of them.  It is more bitter, in my mouth, after having gone down, than it probably is for many.  It pains me, on some kind of soul level.  It is acidic soil to the tenderest of my roots.


Sometimes I wish I were not such a natural psychologist.  I hate having such a sensitive nose for all of these nuances within people, and to their ways.  And how their behaviour, and even their writing, slowly but very definitely paints a picture of these nuances.  But then I've always been a gifted observer, and had the tongue to place words to what I see.

I actually had a dream about it from God, once.  (Yeah, I know!)  A dream from God's POV.  Had to do with me doing just that--observing, and analyzing, and writing down words for what I saw in what I observed.

I've never forgotten that.

*shrugs*  But I've always wondered exactly what it meant that I was supposed to do.  (With it.)

Observe what?  Anything?  Write down what?  For what purpose?  To accomplish what, or for what life's purpose?  It does seem clear to me that the most skilled of my gifts are for observing essences & nuances of people, but does that mean I should use that gift for writing about them, like writing stories?  Or...counseling them?  Like as a therapist?  Or...writing books on human behavior, as a psychologist?  Or in ministering to them, on a soul level--to their personal & spiritual needs?

How, how, how, God?


I have tried to sit down and envision myself using that gift just for therapy--as in, counseling others; but you know what?  Whenever I've (amateurly) counseled people in the past...it just gets so...BORING, for me, after a while.  Like I want to heave a deep breath, after enough of it, bang my head on a table, and just walk away and go explore something else.  Kind of like:  The pointlessness of people being stupid just gets to me after a while, you know?  lol  So that doesn't bode well for making a very good therapist.  The more I got bored and frustrated and jaded, the more unempathetic and inappropriate (in my response to them) I'd become.  (Well, feel like becoming.  And trust me- that kind of sentiment doesn't take long to bleed through.  Voice of experience from the receiving end, here.)

Where does that leave me?  Writing books (like self-help books or research-based books), or writing stories?  Or would I become less jaded and impatient and frustrated in the spiritual realm?  -Somehow I worry.

The thing that is good about art, music, and fiction and the like is that you can make it as intricate and nuanced and eloquent as you want it to be, and often speak to people, and to their inner themes, on an almost subconscious wavelength.  And if they enjoy your work, the format in which it comes to them is readily absorbed and accepted.

But that takes a certain kind of skill which I'm not sure yet that I have.

But I want it.

And I'm willing to continue trying.  I keep feeling that.  The desire to keep trying.  I keep feeling like one day, it's going to come clear to me, and it will all "pop out."  (My creative fiction, or writing, or music, or whatever medium I end up putting my expression in.)


We'll see.


Meanwhile:  You.  Her.  Are you out there?  You'll know me.  I'm the balm to your soul.  But also your spark.

Realizations, New Adventures, & Possibly New Ditchings

Hellow, Blog. [ala Seinfeld's: "Hello, Newman."]


It's been some time.

I had a crappy year. And I've let you lie fallow, because Blogger just doesn't offer quite the necessary security features that I'd like to have the reassurance of, in light of said crappy year.

So here you sit: Beautiful; neglected. Poor you :( (Seriously, though, I'm a little sad. Okay, more than a little.)

But it's not like you had any readers anyway. ;) lol

However, I've changed a couple of things, and I desire once again for a personal outlet to vent my soul, so....

Not to scare you Blog, but the "Possibly New Ditchings" in the subject line still does refer to you, regardless of this post today. This will be under debate for a while. We'll see. I can be an awfully fickle creature sometimes, over things that are merely my personal pets and affect only me.



Realizations

One pretty big thing that happened during 2010 was that I somehow came to the realization that I am bisexual. I know! Big surprise, huh? [Not said sarcastically.]

Yeah. I like girls (too). (More so, really. But more on exactly how halvesies or not, later.)

Sad: That I've known this, really; I was just...confused, and fighting it hard in denial. Sort of. Confused over exactly what makes one "bisexual." But it was finally bothering me enough - certain things getting under my skin - that I had to find out.

Once I finally got it all put together, it made me almost cry, to wonder how and why I'd waited so long. That's how good it's felt. I feel like a huge portion of myself, of my whole personality, that I've had walled off, is breathing freely now. And I feel pretty great. It really is almost a euphoric feeling.

That's why I'm really not at all having a hard time with it - my somewhat abrupt 'view-of-self' shift. I think it's probably also because I've been quietly, to myself, acknowledging these wonderings about my attractions for years. ...Since childhood. They just didn't make sense to me, according to all of the traditional lines of homosexuality. According to all definitions that I knew, I didn't fit the bill.

I'm glad that certain feelings called and pulled and bothered me enough to make me research a little deeper. What did it was finding this definition: Affectional orientation.

Please do go look it up.



New Adventures

So, I, you know, being a newly out to self bi girl, had to find other birds of a feather to flock with. I honestly don't have any non-straight friends (that I'm aware of) in my current circle. I wish that I did. I just don't.

For one: It's hard to, being a Christian: Queer folk just kind of naturally avoid you. Or, at least, those two groups, historically so far, don't exactly naturally coincide. I hope to be one who plays a part in making that change.

But anyway, I have met some people so far, who are really cool, and loads of fun. And so, so very kind. I've met the nicest people. And it's easy to feel natural around them.

I also...*ack* have found myself the unwitting victim of a crush (on one of them) already. This wasn't supposed to happen! <:o I had absolutely no intention, thought, or anything about the matter (of any kind) in mind! It just...snuck up on me and arrested me!

Yeah, I know. Color me shocked!

So, picture, like, this disturbed puppy-dog look on my face [I'll find an image and put it here, really I will]~ me, helpless. Shocked. Feeling embarrassed to be, and yet deeply smitten.... Well, sort of smitten. I (deep sigh) really don't know the 2nd thing about this girl, other than the fact that the things she writes put a resounding ache in my chest. And it's that unique quality, something that the stuff that's in her head, & in her heart, draws out of me ~ that is un-ignorable. That causes the deep state of smit. (lol) No, seriously. It just...kills me.

And, without embarrassing myself completely to hell and back, and never recovering my dignity...I am at a loss for ways to tell her. Although I *kind of* did. I kind of tried. It just wasn't as much the...confessional...that it could be. I was cautious.

And...her reply was, too.

It wasn't...negative. It just wasn't encouraging. In my opinion.

And, later, randomly, in an unrelated exchange, she wished the best for me in finding someone, out there ~ which, you know, is pretty much the polite kiss-off.

*wibble*

But I'm still confused (by her). Not all the signals seem to be, or feel to me, so clear. She dances around me.... When I haven't even been flirting. You know? Like, I'm just being Plain-Jane-on-the-street, having a polite human being interaction, and it...almost feels...no, does feel, especially recently...like she'll drop a breadcrumb? or something...like, she wishes it to be pursued. But when I tried to engage her on a deeper level in the past, she bowed out. And she plays coy. [Which, I've seen her do with others, with little to no known reasoning that I can decipher, anyway ~ so, it's not me, it's her. Or largely her, I think, anyway.]

I don't know. I hate it. But at least it's the one thing that could help me kill this...thing...of thinking about what she's like, and being curious about her, all the time. And feeling painful longings which aren't fun for me to have, bearing echoes of my heart dying in the past, over a girl, once. At least if Enigmatic Girl keeps this up, I'll be irritated and soured enough to be un-attracted to her and it'll be easy to let it go & die.

Like I said, I know nothing about her but what she writes: But she knows quite a bit, about me, because I've allowed it. I know she knows (or could know, if she checked) what I look like, & other sorts of personal details. And one of my first (low-self-esteem-like) worries was that thing we all have: "I'm unattractive, to her."

Which, you know - happens. No less so to me, either. Fax iz fax, in life. I'd just have to be a big girl and suck it up.

But in that case, I dearly pray to God that if I must feel such feelings over a girl, that the one that is meant for me will come quickly; will come soon - because it's hard to see the soul of someone who mirrors all that you could so, so deeply fall for ~ embodied in someone who's not your "one."  It makes it painful to be around them, even.

Which it is.

Sometimes to the point where I think I cannot read her stuff, any more. Which would be a huge, crying shame. But I'm serious. Sometimes, you know, it's just that bad. It bears another difficulty, however: Do you need to worry, or feel bad or awkward, or like you need to offer some kind of explanation if you are a regular follower of someone's writing, and you've professed to them that they are one of your absolute favorites - and you need to just up & stop? Disappear? And yet they will be able to see that you're following other people's writing?

If it were me...I mean, if I were that writer, and a certain follower who said I was one of their very faves just mysteriously abandoned my stuff ~ yeah, I'd wonder what I did. Or if I just didn't have the mojo (for them) any more. Or if they had a personal grudge that I didn't know about, against me. I mean, sure, we're all taught not to think such things and take such things personally, but I think virtually everyone does. A little. It's just human nature. Insecurities about our status with others.

*sigh*

Well, okay. Enough about the thing with Enigmatic Girl.

Okay, except for this:

Enigmatic Girl, stop playing coy. It's unattractive and uncool. Not to mention mean. -To very nice people.

There. I was direct and harsh. lol On a blog she doesn't visit & likely doesn't know about. (And if she does: Well, thanks Lord. Only because: Some things would never get said by me unless I hid them somewhere, now, would they?)

Damn my cowardice. :(

But then again maybe it saves me socially more than I know. ::thanks cowardice begrudgingly::

Meh. But maybe I don't want to be saved, any more. Maybe I want to STEP IN IT, fully! If only because it's hard for me to live life that way, and I'd like to taste the foolish freedom of it, once. And smell the poop on my shoe & experience the FULL repurcussions of it, for once. --If nothing else, just to realize after all that they're not (the dreaded consequences) *THAT* damn scary.

Shit.

I am just going to rename my blog "Diary of a Recalcitrant Chicken."


...If I don't delete it tomorrow, that is.