My Heart is yours to break

Part of me wants to give you the link to this blog, and part of me says that that's something that I can never take back - and what if things go wrong, go badly - and I need it?  As my private respite place?  Where I can say anything?

Of course part of me also knows that there's a tiny, tiny chance that you found a breadcrumb pointing you to here.  The chance might be somewhat slim, but it exists.  *shrugs*  I'm aware of that.

If I could say anything to you right now, sweetie, it would be basically the title of this post.

I mean it.

I am so utterly at your mercy.  Because I love you.

Amidst the terrible and unwelcome, harrassing doubts that have plagued me at this time, my brain has tried to take emergency precautions against the possible (or just feared) prospect of the loss of you on behalf of my heart.  This always happens, whenever my heart is at risk; when I fear.  I hate it, many times.  It feels like the numbing-out, freezing off of emotions regarding someone I 'once' really cared about, and had become vulnerable to.  ...Needed.

And it feels like death.

At the same time, it's self-protective.  I recognize that.  And I'm not always 100% ungrateful for what the emergency management system in my brain's trying to do.  It's just that...it makes me so tired - fighting it.  I have to fight to keep my emotions alive, and tender, and breathing.  To (in effect) stay vulnerable; open.

To stay open to hurt...as well as love.

But you just...you are in the tenderest spots of my heart.  <3

You are delightful to my soul, in every way:  You make me feel soft, and calm, and tender; you make me feel placid and gentle, and relaxed - like slow breathing.  :')  It's such a cliché - but:  It feels so right, when I'm with you.  For you to be in my heart, and alongside it.  By me.

I love you, I want you...and you will sincerely have to fight me, to ever convince me to let go of you.  (*is aware that this sounds stalker-ish, but that's not really what I mean)

You're just...you're right there with me, in my soul.  I would be rended in half if ever parted from you again, now that we've found each other.

But...*glances again at title of post*...if you were ever to tell me that you wanted out, wanted free...

You just have to know ~

I'm helpless.

So I have to pray that all of your words have been the truth;

and that you've known what you've meant by them, known down to your bones; your soul...

And...I have to confess:  ...that you're not (simply) too young to know, deep down in your heart, in a real sense, what everlasting love is.

But then...who am I to say?  I may be older in earthly years...but how do I know what that truly is, either?

All I know is that what I've felt with you, since we've come together, is unique.  And I can't, and couldn't, imagine anything like it, in all of my imagination of what real, solid, lifelong-lasting love would be like.  That is to say - it's better, absolutely better, than all my fantasies.  Beyond what I thought 'was.'  But (yet) it's just like they describe, those old married couples, about what the ingredients to a lifelong friendship-romance-partnership are, and what it feels like...what it is.

I'm amazed to have found you, and that is what it feels like.

I love you.