Further ruminations upon my relationship with a maybe-Aspie

So, as I said in the previous post, my girlfriend has Aspie (Aspergers)-like traits.  And though if she ever reads this I wouldn't want to offend her, to make things simple for the sake of writing, I'm just going to refer to her as either "half-Aspie" or "Aspie" or "AS," I think, a good deal of the time.


I'm slowly learning some things about navigating my relationship with my girlfriend.


For one, I've always considered myself pretty straightforward - not playing games, and saying more or less what I mean (though I attempt to be as gentle as I can manage, others have told me, regardless, that I can be "blunt" or "direct").

I never thought much about this (other than trying to improve my overall delivery) until recently, reading about Aspergers traits in order to possibly better understand my girlfriend.  I had a "huh" moment when reading about Aspies' "directness" and "bluntness."  So on a whim, I took the "Aspie Quiz" (this one came recommended by a male blogger with Aspergers who has taken a few of them), and came up with an Aspie score of 103 out of 200, and a "Neurotypical" score of 94 out of 200 - which, taken together, equates to: "part Aspie, part neurotypical" or some business like that.  Basically - if this quiz is somewhat accurate, I'm on the fence.

*shrugs*  But for the purposes of this discussion this is more or less neither here nor there.

The point is, as "direct" and "straightforward," and not mincing (too many) words as I am, when I choose to be direct - I have had to learn that my girlfriend means exactly what she says, more or less, when she says it.  She doesn't play those little "subtlety" games.  She doesn't "hint."  Not that I do...but:  I am much more subtle than she is.

And so it has been a lesson to learn, for me, to trust her.  To take it on her honor and on her word that her "yes" means yes and her "no" means no.  That has been difficult, as I am not an inherently trustful person (any more).  (Maybe I used to be, more - but it's hard to gauge, as I've kinda forgotten.  (*shrugs* A.D.D.))

I love my psychology, and I'm rather caught up by the urge to sniff out people's "hidden" motives and "true" feelings.  I rarely believe what people say just on the surface of things, any more.  (Some may attribute that to my Scorpio-ness - as, though I am not a Scorpio, I have lots of planetary influences from Pluto, Scorpio's ruler, and the 8th house, the house that Scorpio rules.  And Scorpios are known for probing into hidden things and digging below the surface and investigating.)

But I've swiftly learned that when my sweetheart tells me yes, this, or no, that - that I need to trust her.

For one, it seems to injure her trust in me, when I continue to question, or if I doubt.  It really shakes her up and worries her.  And, when I think about it, I don't blame her.  *sigh*

For two, I only come to find out later that she honestly, goodness-to-graciously meant what she said the first time.  It only creates more work and more frustration for her when she has to pummel it into my head.

Maybe it's because I've developed trust issues, over my life.  Maybe it's because I've always had them (and they've merely gotten worse).  :(

But it's more than that:  My gf sincerely is straightforward.  And though she may hang back from saying some things to me sometimes, when she does say something to me, she means what she says.

It's been quite an exercise for me to learn to start taking her statements at face value, and to stop reading things into them.  For instance, when she yawns, and says she is tired - she really means that she is tired and needs rest - not that she is avoiding a particular conversation or that she is bored.

These kinds of things.  These little social conventions that others - NTs (neuro-typicals) - employ as  euphemisms for more blunt things they could say, that they're "really" feeling:  "I'm SO bored" or "Ugh, this conversation is so uncomfortable...I'd rather just avoid it for now."

And I've been learning these things about my girlfriend through experience - not through assuming she's AS.  But now that I've been reading more about AS, it's made it a little easier to do, and to trust, for me.  It's helped to eliminate some of my personal, and "real-world," bias.

But I'll tell you:  It's been a lesson.