More of the same...but different

Actually I don't know how it's very different.  Forgive me.

Except for little dribs, drabs...'dropped' emails from my girlfriend (like a driveby emailing - with no interaction or even a great deal of relevance to anything we've talked about, or I've asked, in recent weeks)...I haven't heard from or talked to my gf in almost a month now.

*hides face in hands*

I even sent an email (a rather emo, freaking-out one) to her mother.

I feel like I'm going insane, because part of me has read about and knows that this isn't terribly unusual for those on the autistic spectrum...a lot of it is largely par for the course, for those on the spectrum who experience it (shutdowns & assorted, related, social droppings-out)...but then another part of me can't equate it or relate it to my subjective experience.

It's like watching it happening in someone else's life - to another person.  Or maybe rather like, in that person's life, I'd be able to understand it - give that someone advice on how to handle things and proceed, even - but in mine?  No deal.  I'm just going insane.  I'm having doubts.  I feel like an NT (neurotypical) partner cliché:  Doing all the wrong things, freaking out, reacting just like 'they' do.  (Thinking 'it's over' - etc.)


And then there's my mother.

Without knowing it, I swear she's plotting to drive me insane.

Just when I'm having this freakout over my situation with my girlfriend (who she doesn't know about, because I'm not 'out' to my mother - she'd blow up), my mom, who I live with, tells me that we'll not be able to afford even basic dialup internet any more.  And for a few hours in the day, my head implodes.

And then she backtracks, and tells me that we'll try to budget for just a cheap (unlimited) dialup connection.  So at least I'll have something.

From everything taken away (my ability to blog, my ability to talk to my gf, my ability to be on online forums and talk to other friends online, which keeps my sanity) - to salvation again, all in the stroke of a couple of hours.  Fuck.  You hate me woman, don't you?  You're trying to kill me.

You just can't fuck like that with a modern young person's internet access.  Especially not an introverted one with only a few close friends who has some kind of weird social phobia (or whatever is my issue) and hates meeting people "live."  I'm already cooped up and boxed in here, no vehicle, no money, no friends in town.  Only my internet peeps & friends, and my girlfriend - who, in order to 'see,' I have to rely completely on internet access.

You may as well tell me that you've shot my fiancée or that she's been kidnapped, whereabouts unknown, and that I may as well either kiss her goodbye or just...whatever.  And that I'm barred from being able to cry to my friends or talk to them for support for many months.  You may as well cover my head with a black burlap bag and tie me up in a closet.  And hope I survive like that until you next feel like having some concern for my welfare again.

*dark feelings and thoughts*

Just...I just get so tired.  I hate having to try to fight for the things that keep me going.

I'm tired of missing my baby, too.  I just...I need to hear from her, something positive, something reassuring....
Get a hug, a cuddle, a hand-hold; be told that everything's going to be alright...that we're alright (like I want to believe)...that she's there with me, and for me...and that she loves me and isn't going away, no matter how long this crap trip of trying to get back to employment again takes.  That she's mine.


And...back on the subject of having emailed her mother (*rests head in hands again*) - I brought up the "taboo" subject of my gf's Asperger's/autistic spectrum (likely) status.  And...okay here's the bad thing:  My girlfriend doesn't want to acknowledge or think about her 'status.'  And now I don't remember if she said sometime that her mom doesn't like 'labels,' either.  So - basically, if she (her mom) will be offended or mad.

It was several days ago now that I emailed her mom.  Still nothing.  *worries*  [Now her mom does have to translate, in order to read & understand my writings in English, but...I know she's able.  At least, fairly alright at it.  Her ability to respond, however, might be more questionable.  She can somewhat, but I know it's hard and takes work.]

All I'm praying right now is that I didn't just really put my foot in it by having written her mother.  I was just at a loss; didn't know what to do; didn't know how to interpret things.  But if she tells my girlfriend........

*hangs head*  ...I might be screwed.  She might be really mad.  Especially since I used that word (the 'A' word) in relation to her and to what was going on.  Behind her back (though, not trying to be sneaky or hide anything, honestly...just...going to the source that might be able to talk to me, and offer some perspective right now...instead of the one that isn't).

I just...I just was seeking understanding of what might be going on.  And asking for maybe some personalized advice, since she knows her daughter - her needs and ways - better, more intimately, than I do.  Asking for Help.


Recently, just trying to get myself some support in this, I've hooked up with some online ASD (autistic spectrum disorder) (-though I hate the word 'disorder'-) sources where there are other people talking about themselves, and their loved ones, in relation to ASDs.  It's of ~some~ help.  Maybe when I'm approved in one that's coming up, I'll have more personal talk and interaction with some folks than I have now, and that might help a bit more.

Currently, I'm just mostly being able to read about other people's experiences and comments.  Not so much on the social interaction/support factor, yet.  But at least the 'information' part helps - a bit.  I'd be going fully crazy if I didn't have that.


Still, after today's 'news' - and then retraction - my head is tired and fuzzy, I just want to sleep...and it just feels like an "Another Blow for Mental Health" day.

Stop the onslaught!  x'{  *curls into a ball and sleeps*

My Heart is yours to break

Part of me wants to give you the link to this blog, and part of me says that that's something that I can never take back - and what if things go wrong, go badly - and I need it?  As my private respite place?  Where I can say anything?

Of course part of me also knows that there's a tiny, tiny chance that you found a breadcrumb pointing you to here.  The chance might be somewhat slim, but it exists.  *shrugs*  I'm aware of that.

If I could say anything to you right now, sweetie, it would be basically the title of this post.

I mean it.

I am so utterly at your mercy.  Because I love you.

Amidst the terrible and unwelcome, harrassing doubts that have plagued me at this time, my brain has tried to take emergency precautions against the possible (or just feared) prospect of the loss of you on behalf of my heart.  This always happens, whenever my heart is at risk; when I fear.  I hate it, many times.  It feels like the numbing-out, freezing off of emotions regarding someone I 'once' really cared about, and had become vulnerable to.  ...Needed.

And it feels like death.

At the same time, it's self-protective.  I recognize that.  And I'm not always 100% ungrateful for what the emergency management system in my brain's trying to do.  It's just that...it makes me so tired - fighting it.  I have to fight to keep my emotions alive, and tender, and breathing.  To (in effect) stay vulnerable; open.

To stay open to hurt...as well as love.

But you just...you are in the tenderest spots of my heart.  <3

You are delightful to my soul, in every way:  You make me feel soft, and calm, and tender; you make me feel placid and gentle, and relaxed - like slow breathing.  :')  It's such a cliché - but:  It feels so right, when I'm with you.  For you to be in my heart, and alongside it.  By me.

I love you, I want you...and you will sincerely have to fight me, to ever convince me to let go of you.  (*is aware that this sounds stalker-ish, but that's not really what I mean)

You're just...you're right there with me, in my soul.  I would be rended in half if ever parted from you again, now that we've found each other.

But...*glances again at title of post*...if you were ever to tell me that you wanted out, wanted free...

You just have to know ~

I'm helpless.

So I have to pray that all of your words have been the truth;

and that you've known what you've meant by them, known down to your bones; your soul...

And...I have to confess:  ...that you're not (simply) too young to know, deep down in your heart, in a real sense, what everlasting love is.

But then...who am I to say?  I may be older in earthly years...but how do I know what that truly is, either?

All I know is that what I've felt with you, since we've come together, is unique.  And I can't, and couldn't, imagine anything like it, in all of my imagination of what real, solid, lifelong-lasting love would be like.  That is to say - it's better, absolutely better, than all my fantasies.  Beyond what I thought 'was.'  But (yet) it's just like they describe, those old married couples, about what the ingredients to a lifelong friendship-romance-partnership are, and what it feels like...what it is.

I'm amazed to have found you, and that is what it feels like.

I love you.

Bad Day. Waiting For Worse. (A Whinge.)

I don't even know what a 'whinge' is, formally.  It's British, or something, and I think it means 'whining.'

*shrugs*

I hate depression and the crap thoughts it gives you.  I hate my headache.  My self-esteem.  My failure as a person in the way that this lost world thinks matters.

It's a day where I don't think I'd care if the world ended.

I'm so tired.

My eyes are tired and burning and wet.

My head is telling me my gf is just holding back on really telling me she's breaking up with me.  And I don't even know if it's true.  I fear it's true.  But then my "Depressed-mind" tells me a lot of very dire, very convincing things at times.  At other times, my horrible fear feelings in my intuition are true.  And I just pushed them away because I hoped beyond hope.

*hangs head*

We haven't spoken in so long.  I mean...we have...just...not in any significant manner.  And I want to believe still that it's just a shutdown (Aspie shutdown type thing) that really doesn't have too much to do with me...but, then there's the horrible, horrible feeling - the fear-voice, the "I know it's true" voice, in my head, again.

My depression fucks my head up.

And I can't control it.

In that way, I guess me & my bb are the same.  Or similar.  Her Asperger-ness mucks her head up (I think/gather) when she gets overwhelmed, too.

So I know what it's like to not be able to control one's thoughts.

I miss her so much.  And I'm terrified and don't know when even I'm going to hear from her again.  And I feel like a loser.  And I wish she would at least keep in contact with me, somehow, to let me know what's going on, lately...and help me understand where her head is, when she disappears like this, like she's done, lately.

...something like this...


*hangs head & cries*