Love/Hate

Wow.  I can get really eloquent when my heart aches, can't I?  (Something to be said here like, "Maybe I should be heartbroken more often."  >:p )  *scowls*  Hmph.

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Love/Hate (as regards another person).  I wonder if it is natural to everyone, sometimes.  That is, can we all relate, or is it particularly known to some people?

I don't know; but if it is, I am one of those people.  It is so frequent to me that I am ashamed to say it, and it is disgusting.  I mean, I really hate it.  Do not want.

Here's a thing that happened on my birthday.

Someone I've been wishing the good thoughts of, that I might have been interested in but apparently (and probably) failed very badly at representing myself with...and who possibly decided I might be a creepy weirdo...and whom I backed WAAAY the heck off from, to give her space - because of that 'weirdo-ness' accident/misstep of mine, and because of her scary reaction (um...'major avoidance' & 'running away,' it seemed)...after several months of (my) polite, distanced, 'trying to absolutely soothe you and calm whatever weirdness down by making things absolutely normal' behavior, added me - on my birthday - on one of our in-common social network type blogs.

Now....This is me, okay:  Even when someone has rejected me or might have 'due' reason to avoid me or dislike me (for a while), I still ultimately want them to know and see that I'm an okay and good and nice and decent person.  To 'accept' me.  It's...kind of awful.  :(  I hate and am ashamed to be that needy (in others' opinions/perceptions of me), but, to date, I can't get over it.  So we're just going to go with that and realize it's probably just a permanent fatal flaw, alright?

So I wake up ON MY BIRTHDAY, check my email, and frookin' lo and behold, this person (whom I've been so worried about 'accepting' me, regardless of whether or not she's interested) has added me!  (Now, I had added her, on this network, some weeks(?) before that.  But she hadn't done the same in kind.  Which, you know...was a knowing choice I'd made.  It didn't bother me.  It was a normal, friendly (as well as the fact that we have common interests) gesture that I made...and it didn't 'mean' anything.  People 'lightly' add or don't add others, on here, all the time.)  I figured she likely wouldn't add me (ever), in fact - due to her general, awkward, avoidance of me after I expressed myself (my interest) to her that one time (on another social network we share) - because it would be par for her general course.  But, you see, adding her was part of that 'normal' thing.  If things are NORMAL, we don't unnaturally avoid others who would otherwise be a natural part of our usual network of friends with common interests, now, do we?

Exactly.  So that's why I added her.

So, when I woke up on my birthday and I have an email that says "So-and-so has added you," my little heart was like: *yay!* *relieved* :D  (You know, 'cause part of that 'normal' thing.  I thought:  "I did it!  I achieved 'normal' (with her)!  Thank goodness.  I am so relieved I don't weird her out, any more!")

I mean, I really just felt So.Much.Better.  I said to myself that this was one of the nicest birthday presents I could have gotten (sad and pathetic as that is)...to not have her avoid me uncomfortably, any more.  Even if she'll never like me, that's all I wanted (now), you know?

Besides the fact that I squeal, still, whenever I get added by somebody, just 1 somebody more, each day, you know?  It's still that little thrill.  haha   So I watch that little number count with excited, twinkly eyes.  Because I am just 5 years old like that.  ;)  lol

So, I log on, and go to my little people count section...and...the # hasn't changed.  "Wut?" I say.  *scratches head*  *confused*  "Well, [site]'s been acting up all day...hummm.  Maybe it [Add count]'s not registering, yet?"  I click it.  I look for her name.  "Yeah...not there.  Hmm.  Oh well.  Maybe it'll show up later."

I log out.  I go do other things.  I go out, I treat myself...have a pretty swell day; a pretty nice birthday.  All is well with my world, and I just generally have a pleasant, gentle, mildly happy glow.

Get home.

I log back on to my (various) networks.  I check *that* one.  Still x # of people.  I look at names.  Really...she's not there.  This time X site's been working.  There doesn't seem to be anything wrong....

Heart:  *CRASH*
Face:  *sink*

I'm not sure how to explain or justify or express how deflated and just...sunken...that feeling in my heart was.  I had no illusions of her 'liking' me, at some point (or any point) again; honest.  I just wanted to be...accepted.

The only thing I could conclude was that she added me--unthinking--then, realized who I was* (my name's a little different, from the site where she first knew me, to there - but most people can figure it out; it's highly similar to my main one)...and so turned right back around and un-added me as soon as she realized it was ~me~.



This. Feels. Like. Shit.


And what I hate more?  That it even mattered to me.  That I let it (in part, in its own way) make my day, at first.  That I felt so relieved, and so happy.


I'm sorry, you know?-But I so want to be seen (known) as a nice person, and have people know me (the real me, who's genuinely awesome...okay, sorry for the blunt self-regard, but, honest...I do hear that I *am*) for me, and not for some mistaken, freakish impression they got because written awkward introductions & gestures of a romantic-interest inclination are weird (especially if you're child-like-ly romantic and put the guts of your heart out there on your sleeve when you really mean it, & when this is rare and you're impressed by how rare and amazing it seems - like I do).

And:  Oh, My God.am I trying to see this as *her* issue - her problem - you know?  But it is SO hard.

I'm sure she had no clue that it was my birthday or anything...I'm sure.  But, could you be more (silently) cruel, if you did?  It was crushing.  It was RightOn.Fucking.Crushing.  And cruel.


So, I am taking my cue from her wordless Heavy Door Fucking Slammed In My Face No Bones About It.

(Oh.  Let me explain why I'm especially irked:  She didn't have the balls to just 'de-friend'/'un-add' me on the other site.  -At least this would have been not-disingenuous.  But my hunch is that she didn't want to lose face by 'un-friend'ing/-following me, there.  I guess what she doesn't know about me is that I respect the honesty of genuineness (even if it doesn't always look smooth or if it isn't always/can't always be 'pretty') far more than a publicly 'pleasant' false front merely for the sake of saving some face.)


Let's be honest, You-Know-Who-You-Are (but doubtful you read, here).  >:{   Now.
And, please:  You can Get. Off. My. Blog.  (just...all/any of them)


Anyway...since I'd had it, I took the opportunity - same day (BIRTHDAY) - to do something that would make me feel better; set the situation aright:  I eschewed being 'the bigger person' finally, for once; took my cue from her (in what are her obvious desires), and, No-Bones-About-It - un-'followed' her back on the new site, then went to the first site and removed her there.  I mean, Why Pretend?-Shall we?  >:\


I try really, really, really hard to not make assumptions about why people do certain things...or don't do them.  I am Benefit Of The Doubt fucking Queen.  But I'm not an ass.

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Final Note.

How I Felt, Then :  You know, I felt really...relieved.  No, not in that pleasant, all-is-well kind of *happy* way, unfortunately - like things could have been (if somebody didn't blow chunks) - but, in that 'put it to bed' / 'put it to rest' / 'this feels good' / feeling-'justified' / 'I did something for myself' and 'I don't have to work so hard in a state of heartache to be a really big person to someone who hasn't shown they really deserve it' sort of way.

Ultimately, there's just the tinge of concern of the "Did I do something petty? Emotionally reactive?  Immature?  (At all?  Maybe?)" sort of feeling...but, not really too bad.  I feel that if it were at all inappropriate (for the reality/situation), I would have felt it quite poignantly.  But I didn't.  So.

I feel I more or less really just gave somebody what they want, really.  And I gave myself something in turn:  I gave myself the honesty that I want.  I forced it (the truth) on the situation.  xD  lol

Now, that 'lol' is a little snarky, yes.. ;)  -Because, I felt myself in a situation of forced dishonesty (that, in order 'to be nice'/'save face,' between us, I didn't change anything outwardly observable to the general populace in our interaction with each other or status toward one another, even though, privately, she completely did) - and I hate that.

Situation:  Rectified.

I feel better.




AlsoIknowthiswholerantstinksoftwelveyearoldgirl, thank you.



ETA:  Oh...one final note:  I wanted to say:  What's been irking me, all these months (on the first site) of just leaving a person on as a 'friend/follower' who really dealt with me rather lousily, is that it is really pretty 'against' my values and reasons for listing/having someone associated with me (or my ID/name) as an association or so-called 'friend' if I *really* don't like them or can't respect them any more...if I know they'll treat people like that.  Even as just "someone whose blog I read" -definition of "friend" or whatever.  I just plainly refuse to have someone I don't like and don't care for listed as an association, 'friend,' or what-have-you, alongside my name.  It makes me feel gross.

And it is personal (who you add/follow)...whatever anybody may say.  Like it or not, as the old adage goes, who you associate with and who is associated with you is going to reflect on you and wordlessly represent you before other people.

I was having a singularly difficult time, these few months, liking the fact at all that this person was there on my list.  Just...squirmy inside.  It's not me; and it bugs me (to have someone treat me in a way that really bothers me, and allow/leave such a person on).  And I was doing it primarily as a gesture of goodwill & good faith, and Benefit-Of-The-Doubt-tress-ness, for her - for her feelings (and/or 'face').

But YAY! -Now I don't have to, any more!


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*it's not like my identity's hidden; I state my other-site identity on this site on my 'info/bio/about' page for my friends to see & find me, so they'll know who I am from the other site, & not think I'm a stranger